10 Criminally Hilarious Lawyer Jokes And Memes

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mattstaff
Sep 12, 2018 12:00 AM EDT

How do court recorders keep straight faces?! 

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  • 01
    Text - diversion Diversion @Diversion50 ME: Well, I said bye to someone but then we started walking in the same direction so I panicked and murdered them. JUDGE: Case dismissed!
    via RestingAwkwardFace
  • 02
    Text - sextronautt how can lawyers argue without crying lightspeedsound I am a lawyer and let me tell you It gets like super close dude Source: sextronautt 1,277,233 notes
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  • 03
    Cat - THE CONTRACT HAD A FEW STRINGS ATTACHED I PLAYED WITH THEM FOR SEVERAL HOURS made on imgur
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  • 04
    Text - Jon @ArfMeasures [court] LAWYER: Did ukill him? ME: No L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury? ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
    via RestingAwkwardFace
  • 05
    Text - "I'm gonna wing it - Me, about something I most definitely should not wing
    via RestingAwkwardFace
  • 06
    Text - Dave @T N_Crumpets Judge: how do you plead? Me: [looks at lawyer] Lawyer: [mouths "not guilty'] Me: hot milky L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
    via RestingAwkwardFace
  • 07
    Text - Mindy Furano Follow @MindyFurano Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They'll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
    via RestingAwkwardFace
  • 08
    Cartoon - ITHOUGHT YOU SAID THE LAW WAS POWERLESS. POWERLESS TO HELP YOU, NOT PUNISH YOU
    via RestingAwkwardFace
  • 09
    Food - Freshly Signed DIVORCE PAPERS THEICKING CANDIE COMNY deandisn
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  • 10
    Text - HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES???? These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy? ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! ATTORNEY: What gear were you
    via Hugums
  • 11
    Text - ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget... ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He's 20, much like your
    via Hugums
  • 12
    Text - ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work
    via Hugums
  • 13
    Text - ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? And last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathi
    via Hugums

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